


Through Rugged Land

by redbrickrose



Series: Purgatory codas [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Episode: s15e08 Our Father Who Aren't In Heaven, M/M, Purgatory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:00:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22046008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redbrickrose/pseuds/redbrickrose
Summary: The worst thing about that year was the nights.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Purgatory codas [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1601305
Comments: 8
Kudos: 49





	Through Rugged Land

**Author's Note:**

> Obligatory Post 15x08 return-to-Purgatory coda. I guess you could read this as gen, to the extent you can still read their relationship in the show as platonic, but I'm not sure how anyone still does at this point.

The worst thing about that year was the nights.

When he thought about it later, which he mostly didn’t, since it was easier to shove it down and bury it under years of equally traumatic baggage, those were the memories that would catch him off guard and leave him shaking in bed or reaching for the whiskey to feel some kind of warmth. It was the darkness, the cold, the loneliness like a physical ache that could still knock his legs out - the barbs that dug under his skin and only hurt worse once he was out and realized Sam hadn’t looked for him at all, that Cas had heard his prayers and _chosen_ to stay.

The days were a warzone, but Dean knew what to do with that, how to survive while running on instinct, adrenaline, and single-minded devotion to a cause. There was a simplicity and clarity in Purgatory during the day - first, find Cas. Then, find Cas and _get out_ once it seemed like getting out might be an actual option.

During the day, it was easy enough not to stop moving. He pushed himself to exhaustion, because that was the mission, but also because then when he had to sleep, he could pass out quickly and, with any luck, it would be dreamless. He pushed _Benny_ to exhaustion, and Benny was undead twice over.

But the nights were dark like no night on earth Dean had ever seen; the sharp, stark gray of Purgatory’s washed-out daylight faded to an inky black it felt like he had to wade through. The nights were _loud_ , every sound in the distance a threat. There were no benign forest creatures in Purgatory. Dean always felt watched.

So when he had to stop before he collapsed, with his back against a tree and the darkness closing in, when he wasn’t being pulled forward by pure momentum and uncertainty crawled back in, that was when Dean prayed.

At first his prayers were tactical, a recap of where he’d been and what he’d killed or seen evidence of, landmarks if he had them - anything to help Cas find him. Then they turned angry. By the time he fell in with Benny they were a pleading for any kind of sign.

By eight or nine months in, at night, in the pitch dark, he was pretty sure Cas was dead. He never said it to Benny, since he couldn’t leave without knowing for sure. He wouldn’t think it to himself during the day, because that’s not how you keep moving. He didn’t even really think it at night, but the prayers became confessional and more personal, a way of keeping track of himself in the endless rhythm of Purgatory. He kept talking to Cas because it was the only way to hold on to hope until the sun rose again.

_Cas, it’s day...whatever. I kept track in the beginning, you know. Marked the days down on a receipt I had in my pocket, but then I just ran out of room and it got too fucking depressing. This is not how I meant to celebrate getting rid of Dick. If we get out of here we’ll go on a real vacation, okay? Maybe a beach. Have you ever been to a beach? I mean, like a human would? Sammy, you, me? How does that sound? We’ll take Benny. He’ll hate it because he’s a vampire, but what’re you gonna do?_

And

_You know Sam wasn’t the only one ever wanted to get out of hunting, I just never saw a way. I think that’s why I was so mad at him when he left. It's why I'm still so mad at him sometimes. You know, there was a girl I considered staying for - who I wanted to stay for - Cassie. But I'd have just messed her up. And there was a guy, Lee. He’d been raised in the life too, and we talked about opening a bar when it was all over, but we had a fight and... I don't know where he ended up. Haven't heard anything in years. I figure he’s dead now. That’s how this goes._

And

_One of the first hunts Dad ever took me on, just me and him, I killed a ghoul that had shifted to look like this kid from my class in whatever town we were in. Somewhere in Oregon, I think. I was probably ten or eleven? Dad was right there to make sure nothing happened, but he wanted me to be the one to do it, so I’d know sometimes it’s not easy. I knew the kid was dead already, but I still cried all night. Dad let me cry it out._

And

_Whatever happens after this - whatever happened before, I don’t care. If you can hear me, Cas, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. I forgive you for all of that shit with the Leviathans; it doesn’t matter._

_I forgive you._

And so after they found Cas, when it turned out he’d heard everything anyway, Dean locked all that shit _down_ , and the nights didn’t get any better.

He pushed them all as hard as he could, through exhaustion and pain and walls of monsters, because if there was a moment when anything was quiet or still he couldn’t even talk to Cas to distract himself, even though Cas was _right there_ , and there was nothing to keep the doubt from creeping in. What if Cas and Benny were right? What if the portal didn’t work and Dean ended up leaving alone?

\---

And now here they are, staring down a rift to Purgatory. He’s not sure he can stomach going back there alone. He’s pretty sure he _can’t_ stomach going back there with Cas.

The rift sizzles and spits, like water on a flame, a jagged red scar cut through the room, bleeding unnatural light. Dean can feel the heat it’s giving off from here.

“We don’t both have to go.” Cas’ voice is tight, and when Dean turns toward him he’s watching the rift too, fists clenched.

Dean will take that. “No, you stay here and wait for Sam and Eileen. You’re probably still a magnet for those Leviathan bastards; I can stay under the radar on my own. Sam has Rowena’s books; he may be able to figure out how to keep the rift open longer if we need it.”

Cas sighs, heavy and impatient. “Without archangel grace? You know he can’t. And you know that’s not what I meant.”

And sure. Dean knew that. Because why would Cas ever pass up a chance for misguided self-sacrifice, but he’s also damn sure that he can’t - he really _can’t_ \- stomach the idea of Cas going back there alone.

“Don’t be an idiot. They’ll find you immediately.”

“I know. Maybe we need that.”

Dean starts, jerking his head around in disbelief. “What?” he spits out. “Why, in this or any world, would we need to use you as Leviathan bait?”

Cas sighs again. “Dean, I'm not being...flippant or rash. _Think_. Did you ever see a flower in Purgatory? Anywhere?”

Dean pauses to think about trees and jagged rocks and endless scrub brush. “No.”

“I did.”

“Where?”

“They spring up when Leviathans die. Not right away, but within a few hours. Leviathan blood and Purgatory soil, I don’t know. I didn’t think much about it at the time, running for both our lives and all that. But. What else could it be?”

“So I’ll yell really loud to draw attention to myself and then I’ll kill a Leviathan.”

“Dean,” Cas says again, softly this time, more gently than he’s said anything to Dean since the night he walked out. “We have eleven hours and,” he checks his watch, “forty-five minutes. We don’t have time.”

Dean knows that too. They don’t even have time for this conversation.

“Yeah? And what if something goes bad? Worse case scenario, we know there’s a way for me to get out. In case you’ve _somehow_ forgotten we don’t know if that would work for you.”

Cas is silent for a long moment. Too long. When Dean dares another glance at him, Cas is staring at the ceiling.

“It probably would work for me,” Cas says, quietly.

“What.”

“I’m not much of an angel. My grace has been at half-strength for years and is growing weaker, and if Metatron wasn’t lying when he took it for the spell, I have a soul now.”

"Oh, well, if _Metatron_ wasn't lying, there you go." They stare at each other for a moment, tight and tense. Cas opens his mouth like he's going to say something else, then snaps it shut again, closing his eyes and looking away, seeming to brace himself. Dean braces himself in turn.

“ _What,_ Cas?” Dean doesn’t like the shake in his own voice and swallows hard to tamp it down.

“It probably would have worked for me before. Purgatory doesn’t want angels in it anymore than it wants humans.”

That’s a blow Dean wasn’t expecting, and it sets him back on his heels. But they don’t _have time_ for that. They don’t have time for him to unpack even half of what Cas just dumped on him. He’s not sure what enough time to do that would even look like. So Dean takes a deep breath, shoves it all down with long nights of doubt and confessional prayers and all the rest of the Purgatory shit they never talked about, and makes a decision.

“Okay,” he says.

“Okay?” Cas is looking at him again, wary.

Dean looks back, and whatever Cas sees makes him flinch away.

“Okay. We both go. But I need you to listen to me when I say we stay together. Promise me. No separating. No splitting up to cover more ground. No leading Leviathans on a wild goose chase, do you hear me?”

Cas nods. Dean closes his eyes and sees Cas letting go of his hand at the portal; Cas stepping out of a different rift, glowing ugly against a night sky in Washington, with an angel blade in his back.

“Not good enough. I need you to say it. And then maybe in eleven and a half hours we have a conversation about the rest of that shit.”

When he looks over again, Cas meets his eyes, and this time neither of them looks away. It doesn’t feel anything like normal, but at least Dean can see that Cas means it when he nods again and says, “We stay together.”

Dean texts Sam and tells him not to follow. He grabs the Purgatory blade off the hook on his bedroom wall and almost staggers under the muscle memory of its weight in his hand.

He stands at the rift with Cas at his back, and then steps through, hoping that there’s daylight on the other side.

**Author's Note:**

> Narrative logic says Cas _should not_ go to Purgatory. He is probably still Leviathan catnip and last time he spent a year running around trying to keep Leviathans away from Dean. He is not as strong as he was then and is probably not up for fighting a boatload of Leviathans. They don't have time for that shit.
> 
> Emotional logic says obviously Cas _has_ to go to Purgatory so Dean and Cas can angst and pine at each other some more IN PURGATORY where things were PURE. *hands*


End file.
